Hey bloggy.
It's been a long while since my last update.
Been feeling kinda down recently. Well, actually not recently, it's been some time already but I kept telling myself that it's only been "recently" to make myself feel better. (ps : not working )
Anw, I've got this pent-up frustration inside of me that I want to release, but I know that it will be in the form of anger, which will not be pretty, but suppressing it inside is making me quite depressed. Yet I am still releasing bouts of it in anger.
However, this increases the frustration instead.
You see bloggy, I think that I am stubborn/rebellious by nature.
The more you tell me NOT to do something, the more I feel like going against it. I guess I don't reali like taking people's orders. I'm not saying that I don't listen to anyone's advice or orders, but just not many.
The more you ask me to follow a certain religion, the more I don't want to. I don't like the pressure. The more you tell me that I'm wrong, the more I want to prove you wrong. The more you want to hold me down, the more I want to struggle free. I want to make decisions based on my own will. Let me have That freedom. I will make the decisions that I want to. And whether I regret it in future or not is a responsibility that I will have to take.
These might be mistakes that I Have to make.
And since I'm running on a reali short fuse for this period of time, I tend to lash out at people I can't tolerate, especially if you speak in a real arrogant tone of voice. I did so this week, and I noe that you are surprised, but trust me, I've been holding it in for 1 yr.
Though other people might be at fault, which causes me to lash out at them, I feel bad.
I'm not perfect either, and I'm sure to act like that sometimes. What gives me the right to keep flaring up at others...and that might put me in the wrong as well.
But even when I am in the wrong, I know that I should apologise, and stop acting in that way. But I can't bring myself to do it somehow. But I think that the rebellious and egoistic side of me refuses to do so. But knowing that I should, and yet I don't, makes it worse.
I should/ want to, but I can't bring myself to do it.
Arghh.
And somehow, all the peace shown to me seems all so fake. The people showing it are contradicting themselves. And I feel like rebelling. But it's not right, and I won't.
But somehow, showing peace and calmness all the time pisses me off too.
It doesn't seem real, it's like you're acting.
People have all sorts of emotions, don't act all righteous all the time. You can show other emotions too u know. It makes me feel like you're not real. I don't like it.
Btw, I'm just ranting. I'm currently stressed up. And again, I don't like my stress pattern. Unconscious 1st, followed by conscious. It's double the stress.
I'm not checking for spelling/grammer errors.
This post does not have to be perfect.
Nothing has to be.
It just has to be what you want.
And make sure that it is the right decision, the one that YOU make.
It's been a long while since my last update.
Been feeling kinda down recently. Well, actually not recently, it's been some time already but I kept telling myself that it's only been "recently" to make myself feel better. (ps : not working )
Anw, I've got this pent-up frustration inside of me that I want to release, but I know that it will be in the form of anger, which will not be pretty, but suppressing it inside is making me quite depressed. Yet I am still releasing bouts of it in anger.
However, this increases the frustration instead.
You see bloggy, I think that I am stubborn/rebellious by nature.
The more you tell me NOT to do something, the more I feel like going against it. I guess I don't reali like taking people's orders. I'm not saying that I don't listen to anyone's advice or orders, but just not many.
The more you ask me to follow a certain religion, the more I don't want to. I don't like the pressure. The more you tell me that I'm wrong, the more I want to prove you wrong. The more you want to hold me down, the more I want to struggle free. I want to make decisions based on my own will. Let me have That freedom. I will make the decisions that I want to. And whether I regret it in future or not is a responsibility that I will have to take.
These might be mistakes that I Have to make.
And since I'm running on a reali short fuse for this period of time, I tend to lash out at people I can't tolerate, especially if you speak in a real arrogant tone of voice. I did so this week, and I noe that you are surprised, but trust me, I've been holding it in for 1 yr.
Though other people might be at fault, which causes me to lash out at them, I feel bad.
I'm not perfect either, and I'm sure to act like that sometimes. What gives me the right to keep flaring up at others...and that might put me in the wrong as well.
But even when I am in the wrong, I know that I should apologise, and stop acting in that way. But I can't bring myself to do it somehow. But I think that the rebellious and egoistic side of me refuses to do so. But knowing that I should, and yet I don't, makes it worse.
I should/ want to, but I can't bring myself to do it.
Arghh.
And somehow, all the peace shown to me seems all so fake. The people showing it are contradicting themselves. And I feel like rebelling. But it's not right, and I won't.
But somehow, showing peace and calmness all the time pisses me off too.
It doesn't seem real, it's like you're acting.
People have all sorts of emotions, don't act all righteous all the time. You can show other emotions too u know. It makes me feel like you're not real. I don't like it.
Btw, I'm just ranting. I'm currently stressed up. And again, I don't like my stress pattern. Unconscious 1st, followed by conscious. It's double the stress.
I'm not checking for spelling/grammer errors.
This post does not have to be perfect.
Nothing has to be.
It just has to be what you want.
And make sure that it is the right decision, the one that YOU make.
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